Here in my hometown we're taking the first steps of reintegrating back into society. In true Taurus fashion it's moving through a practical process. Some of us may be going stir crazy and ready to jump back in. Others may be even more cautious and taking their time. Everyone is on their own journey in this. One answer may not work for the other. Does this make their process wrong?
It's our first week opening back up, and in this weeks reading I felt the heaviness. Not just for myself, but our collective. This is changing all of us so deeply. Because we finally had a pause to process some dormant emotions that we often squash under the droll of everyday life. Often telling ourselves, "Now is not a good time." After spending a month with nothing but time we weren't able to hide from it any longer. I myself am a pro at this. So sitting and doing "nothing" has been humbling to say the least. But it has made me see where I neglect myself. I see where I put priorities where they didn't matter. I see how I was disempowering myself. I see where I want to change moving forward. This is your first step: a choice. When you affirm this to yourself the universe answers in tune to show you the way, by showing you what's still blocked inside.
I wanted to share some processing I experienced for myself just a few days ago, that perhaps will give you insight into what could manifest for you:
As I've started to make changes in my life that are more aligned with who I really wish to be, I still fight with terrible anxiety. Mostly it stems from my interactions with others. What do they think of me? Did I weird them out? Have I said the wrong thing? I know there are many who don't give this sort of thinking the time of day. But for me it has plagued me as long as I can remember. I felt an awareness of the true underlying fear of this feeling was that I was an outcast who wouldn't be accepted for me. While the last few years I didn't really feel or act this way, circumstances I brought into my life said otherwise.
This week as I felt the wave start to creep back in, I get that first instinct of just wanting to make myself feel better. This isn't true. You're being irrational. It reminds me of panic attacks that I do not want to get stuck in. But this time I let it take me. I drowned in it. Then I felt a pivotal point where instead of looking toward what situation "made" me feel this way externally, I asked myself, "Why does this trigger such strong emotion in me?" I didn't try to answer logically. I just let myself keep feeling. Every time I tried to interfere I just surrendered more. Until finally I was brought back to a memory when I was a child. Then suddenly everything became interwoven and connected. I let this experience tell my story for so long. I had been trying to understand this concept for years, but for some reason this time it just clicked. By then end of the whole experience my emotions had leveled and I felt like more of whole person.
Now, I do understand that you may not have the same experience as me, or the way of how you integrate your emotions. I only hope to shed some light that even when you feel like you've tried everything, when you're lying on the floor trembling because you can't take anymore hurt. Keep trying. Keep feeling. Things will not stay the same forever. You will feel that weight lifted and what remains will be that inner fire that lights the way to rediscovering just how bad ass you really are.
You got this, I promise.
A song that came to mind while writing this blog: Set Fire to the Rain
To see this week's reading click here.